The Lord of the Bed
by baggy-trouser-girl
Summary: a story about 4 hobbits... in a bed
1. Froyo and Gangrene

Welcome to Blobbiton  
  
It was a clear sunny after noon in blobbiton and Froyo, son of yoyo was  
sleeping in the green green grass of happiness, on the pillow on pleasure  
and under the duvet of peace. Sadly, Froyo didn't know this, he thought  
he was just sleeping. The peaceful atmosphere was shattered by a bang,  
followas by a rustle in the trees, Froyo immediately awoke.  
"Argh!"  
cried Froyo as a giant apricot landed on his head. Froyo lifted the giant  
apricot and wiped the sickening sticky mess off his face, after he had  
done this he opened his eyes and again he cried "Argh!" Right infront of  
him was a giant thing, Froyo jumped back, then realising the thing had  
arms and legs and quite a large stomach (no offence to anyone at all, i  
myself am fat, but i make up for it in hilarity and happiness) Froyo  
realised that it was in fact his friend Sam-wise gangrene. This was not a  
fair name to call Sam as he was neither wise, nor did he have gangrene,  
he was in fact, just stupid, with a lisp. (again, no insult, i also have  
a lisp, oh how unfortunate a creature like me should ever live. heehee  
"oh, hi Sam. how are you today?"  
"Massssster Froyo, I be not too well. sssssssir. The chickensssss are  
eating my pygmy ssssssssssshrewsssssss."  
"They are are they sam?"  
"yes."  
"oh.ok."  
Froyo and Sam walked side by side over the hill and looked down over the  
miniature villages of blobbiton. Froyo sighed  
"It is such a lovely day Sam, I feel almost unhappy to leave my tree that  
i was sleeping under"  
"You wassssss sssssssssleeping under a tree massssssssster?"  
"yes"  
"why massssssssster?"  
"Because thats what the script told me to do... I mean! because it is  
such a nice day."  
Masssssssster?"  
"yes sam?"  
"whatssssss a ssssssscript?"  
"its a piece of paper with words on it"  
"oh." 


	2. a visit from Gandalf

Sam sighed, he didn't like being stupid anymore than having giant apricots  
land on your head but thats what happens when your born upside down in a  
cave full of killer mongooses in the side of a blob in blobbiton.  
Sam sobbed slightly, then stopped, he hated being stupid and sad in front  
of Master Froyo.  
Froyo spoke  
"Don't cry Sam, its just a script, it doesn't mean anything."  
"oh yesssss it doesss  
masssssssssster. Mr Jacksssssson ssssssaid sssssssssso."  
"Mr Jackson is a director, for a film. You are a blobit Sam. Blobits and  
film directors don't mix."  
"ssssssssorry masssssssster."  
"sam, please stop calling me master, i am Froyo."  
"Yessss....sssssorry Fr-r-roy-y-yo  
The blobits walked down the hill and into the mini streets of blobbiton  
"Froyo, Froyo!"  
Froyo turned to see a smiling, pretty blobbit thing running towards him, it  
was begonia, the beautiful barmaid at the come-on inn, she stopped panting  
and smiling, Sams eyes lit up  
"Hello Begonia" Said Sam  
"Hello Sam, hello Froyo, its a lovely day isn't it? Anyway" She cut the  
blobits off before they could speak "you have a visitor waiting for you at  
the Inn."  
"Oh really, who is it?" Inquired Froyo  
"Gandalf!"  
"No!" Cried Froyo "really?"  
"yes."  
"oh, ok"  
Sam and Froyo immediately started running over to the inn. They burst in  
through the door and were greeted by an amazing site. It was Gandalf the  
purple with pink polka dots.  
"GANDALF!!!!!" cried Froyo  
"hello Froyo, my dear boy how are you?"  
"I'm good thank you. Oh gandalf, its so lovely to see you again. How are  
things?"  
"not good, dear boy. My wife caught me at it with Saruman again and I have  
no place to live."  
"Oh gandalf, i told you he was no good! I mean, after all that stuff  
before, you know, when he was cheating on you with sauron."  
Gandalf scowled, his face dark  
"They were dark times my boy. We all had to do things we didn't want to  
do."  
"Yes, i know. You even got a makeover"  
"I know. Exactly my point dear boy, no sane person would ever wear pink!  
What was i thinking?"  
"I don't know"  
"oh."  
There was a small silence, then  
"And Sam, how are you?"  
"Fine Gandalf, thank you for assssssssking."  
"er....no problem...."  
Froyo spoke again  
"Gandalf, are you here to stay? is it true? Are you going to be here for  
Bimbo's eighty ninth birthday?"  
"Where else would I go dear boy? I can't think of anything i would rather  
do. Well, actually, i can, but nothing i can say in front of the little  
ones if you know what i mean." He gave his famous dirty old man laugh and  
Froyo giggled inanely.  
"Gandalf we have so much to talk about, so I demand you move in with me and  
Sam and Pipsqueak and Merry and of course, bimbo."  
"Oh, dear boy i would love to, do you have room?"  
"well, you may have to share with some one....though i can imagine you not  
having a problem with that."  
"Not at all dear boy." Said Gandalf, again giving his dirty old man laugh.  
"In fact I can't think of anything I would rather do."  
And he gave another dirty old man laugh, the laugh grumbled on and on like  
an endless passage of time, a laugh you could sink into and never get out  
of, like flies and orange juice. And it went on and on and on, like a never  
ending perverted rollercoaster. 


	3. 10 minutes later

Gandalf had finally stopped laughing. The room was silent except for the  
occasional cough and the sounds of Sam sucking his big toe. Then the door  
was flung wide open and in marched Merry and Pipsqueak, Merry was the  
villages most intelligent and observant transsexual- he...or is it she? had  
never been the same since the mishap with sauron and the ring, i mean, it  
had changed every one, but Merry most of all, he had goten sick of being a  
bloke and wanted to try something new, so he got a sex change and married  
his best friend pipsqueak. Pipsqueak, in fact, knew nothing of this as he  
was incredibly small and cute, but also incredibly scottish, (this a was  
not the cause of his not knowingness, i in fact love scottish people in  
every way...except the racist, sexist, fascist....anyway) The reason that  
pipsqueak didn't know this was because merry had never told him, and if  
somebody didn't tell Pipsqueak something he would never find out or get  
suspicious, you could in fact say he was the most trustworthy and gullible  
creature that ever existed.  
"ahhh." said gandalf "the most trustworthy and gullible creature that ever  
existed, hello pipsqueak, oh, and hello Merry, hows the lacrosse  
tournament? is it the finals yet? are you in?"  
"Yes its the finals Gandalf, in a weeks time and I would love you to come  
along. Please, Please, please."  
"oh, but....." then upon seeing the disappointed look on merrys face he  
abruptly changed his mind. "of course i would love to come."  
Merry smiled with delight and ran onto Gandalfs lap, giving him a huge hug  
and then proceeded to settle down in his beard, falling into a deep sleep.  
"And what about you, master took? Have you learnt your abc yet?"  
"Yes Gandalf, I have, I know it off by heart."  
"Lets hear it."  
"ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ"  
"very good" said Gandalf, but Merry immediately jumped up  
"HE MISSED OUT THE L !!!!"  
"Yes...he did, didn't he? hmmmm."  
Froyo sat and gazed as this conversation went on, his mind was whirling and  
an image jumped into his head  
"ARGH!" he cried  
The room went silent and then Gandalf jumped up  
"Froyo, what is it? speak boy"  
"There's a...a..a new shop opened on the high street. Called Madame  
lingerie.  
"Froyo, have you been subscribing to any new porn sites over the last few  
months, did you forget to tell them that you didn't want junk mail?"  
"Sorry Gandalf, it was called hot naked dudes and chicks and I really was  
horny."  
"Froyo, however horny you are you must always always say no junk mail. Now  
what was the shop called?  
Madame lingerie, its dark, musky, red lighting, its a s...s... no i can't  
remember, a shop that sells something begining with s....  
"mmmm....." Said Gandalf "I think i now what that is!"  
Sam giggled and then burst into tears.  
"Sam! What have you done?!" Cried Froyo, there was blood everywhere.  
He bit his toe off.  
"oh damn!" cried Bergonia, "that was my new carpet too"  
Gandalf giggled, then stopped, his mobile was ringing.  
"Hello, Gandalf speaking"  
"Gandalf, what the hell is going on? this story is rubbish, add some zing  
to it. liven it up, it started off good and now its crap, are you trying to  
kill me?"  
"Hello Mr Jackson"  
"Do you want me to get rid of your character? coz i can if i don't think  
its working!"  
"No mr Jackson! No! I'll do better, I promise!"  
"You better Gandi, I am warning you, which is better than what I did for  
Tom bombadil!"  
Mr Jackson hung up and the line went dead. Silence filled the room once  
more.  
"Mr Jacksons going to cut us, isn't he? I knew he would, why would a short  
person and a transsexual make a good story? I knew this would happen"  
And Merry and pipsqueak burst into tears. 


End file.
